Pretty Magical Soldier Knights SeeD
by Eric A
Summary: ...a goofy little thing where the girls of FF8 find themselves with some new problems...
1. Default Chapter Title

Pretty Magical Soldier Knights SeeD

Episode 1: A New Dawn! The Birth of the Soldier Knights!

By: Eric A.

(The setting is Balamb on a beautiful spring day. The wind blows gently from the sea, people move from place to place, doing their day to day tasks, and low level monsters wander outside the town, waiting for young SeeDs to come and draw useful magic from them.)

Selphie Tilmitt, Rinoa Heartilly, and Quistis Trepe walk into town together. They are wearing their usual outfits and a variety of expressions. Selphie is her usual bouncy, cheerful self;

Rinoa looks wistfully over her shoulder from time to time, and Quistis' expression is close to bored.

Selphie (in a loud, happy tone): Booyaka! Here we are!

Quistis (looks around, slightly irritated): Balamb? This is your great idea, Selphie?

Selphie: Well, it's not Esthar, but it is a town, right? And every now and again it's okay to get out and have fun, and stuff!

Quistis: You can't have fun in Balamb. There have been studies.

Rinoa (sighing): I wish I were back at the flower field, waiting for Squall.

Quistis (irritated): You just saw him fifteen minutes ago. Selphie said we were going to Balamb and he rubbed his head and said "Whatever."

Rinoa: I know…and that's why I love him.

(Quistis counts to a high number. Meanwhile, a very pretty girl in a pink dress and a red vest walks up to Selphie. She is carrying a basket filled with flowers.)

Flower Girl (to Selphie): Miss, would you buy a flower? They're only a gil.

Selphie: A gil? You won't make any money that way.

Flower Girl (thinks about it): You're right. Twenty gil.

Selphie: Twenty gil? For a flower? 

Flower Girl: Hey, some of us come from places where you don't make money by just wandering around the world map. (walks away in a huff.) 

Selphie: Huh?

Quistis: Selphie, why are we here?

Selphie (shakes her head to clear it.) Oh, right. We're here to have FUN!

Rinoa: I wish Squall was here.

Quistis (ignoring Rinoa): And I have responsibilities as an Instructor. Classes to teach, tests to grade, Triple Triad cards to take from freshmen…

Rinoa: Oh, don't worry about grading tests, Quistis. You'll just write "Study hard and have fun" on all of them and give everyone a B+ anyway.

Quistis: WHAT!

Selphie (stepping between Rinoa and Quistis) C'mon guys, this is exactly my point! You, Rinoa, you need to get a life other than being joined to Squall at the hip. And you, Quistis, if you got out more often, you'd find a boyfriend, like Rinoa and me.

(Rinoa frowns)

Quistis: I don't need a man to be happy, Selphie.

Rinoa: That's good for you, since you never have one.

Quistis (menacingly): You know, I could very easily kill you, Rhino.

Rinoa: It's Rinoa! (stamps her feet) Don't call me that. All the Trepies call me that!

Selphie: Hey, it gets them extra credit.

Quistis: And don't think you're safe, Selphie. You'll be waiting for Slot to get you something other 

than " Cast Firaga 1 time " while I'm dancing a jig all over your @$$.

Rinoa (puzzled): I thought you played the bass.

Quistis: That was the second time the writer played the game. The first time he had me tap-dancing up a storm

Selphie: Look, everybody, let's not talk about school or Squall or any of that. You don't hear me talking about Irvy-poo, do you?

Quistis (rolling her eyes): Yeah, right. Where is Irvine, anyway?

Rinoa: He's tomcatting in Dollet.

Selphie: That isn't funny, Rhino.

Rinoa: It's true! I'm Squall's secretary, and, you know, I do things for him. Keep up his paperwork,

make his appointments-

Quistis: Rotate his tires.

Rinoa (ignoring Quistis): -so I have to have access to all you guys calendars, the ones in the network. Today's schedule for Irvine says "8:30-lie to Selphie, 9:30-go to Balamb and borrow boat, 12:30-arrive in Dollet, 4:00-12:00-troll for chicks"

Selphie (anger rising in her voice) THAT NO GOOD S.O.B.! HE DID IT TO ME AGAIN!

Quistis: Again? This has happened before?

Selphie: HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO BUY A NEW COWBOY HAT!!

Rinoa: Well, Quistis, I guess Irvine has needs-

Quistis: What kind of moron writes in his calendar that he's going to cheat on his girlfriend?

Selphie (producing Strange Vision from seemingly nowhere): AND HIS GUNS NEEDED CLEANING!!!

(Selphie pegs a sign on the side of a building through the window of the Junk Shop.)

Rinoa: yes, he has needs. And if you had a boyfriend, Quistis-

Quistis: (raising a fist): Don't even go there, Rhino.

(Selphie puts a dent in Ma Dincht's door.)

Rinoa: Like I have Squall, you'd understand that.

Quistis (furious): THAT'S IT! YOU'RE GOING DOWN!

(Selphie bursts into tears and falls to her knees.)

Selphie: Now you sound like Irvine!

(Rinoa and Quistis stare at Selphie, puzzled)

Rinoa (coughing into her hand): Where were we?

Quistis: I was getting ready to hand you your @$$.

Rinoa: Yeah, right! First off, I'm a sorceress, and I'll go mushroom cloud on you if you mess with me!

(Everyone in earshot hears "sorceress" and runs away screaming. The flower girl, who just lost four customers, gives Rinoa a one-fingered salute.)

Rinoa: And second, you wouldn't dare offend Squall 'cause you think I'll dump him someday for some other scarred man with no personality and you'll get to comfort him-

(Quistis drops Rinoa with one punch.)

Selphie (sniffling): You shouldn't do that, you know. She spends enough time unconscious as it is.

Quistis: I'll just tell her Adel possessed her. She'll buy it. Well, now what?

Selphie (cracking her knuckles) We're going to go to Dollet and clean Irvine's clock. Let's go get a boat!

Quistis: Why not take the Ragnarok?

Selphie: Because the next plot point is at the docks, silly! Now pick up Rhino and let's go!

(They pick up Rinoa and, carrying her between them, leave)

(Behind them, on the roof of Ma Dincht's house, a mysterious shadow appears. Beside of it is a small, cute shadow that is clearly that of the GF Carbuncle)

Mysterious Shadow: I know that they seem unsuited for the task, but only they can become the 

Magical fighters that we need. The time has come to awaken them!

(Quistis and Selphie carry Rinoa onto the docks.)

Rinoa (regaining consciousness): W-what happened to me?

Quistis (soothingly): I think you were about to be possessed by a sorceress. You were talking crazy, so I knocked you out.

Rinoa (rubbing her head): There wasn't a sorceress, was there…I mean, we were just talking about my sweetie Squall and you punched me!

Quistis: Ah, well, when you said you could beat me in a fight, I must have overreacted. I mean, you beat me in a fight…. right.

Rinoa (stepping away from them): I guess that is kinda silly of me…what are we doing again…?

Selphie: We're getting a boat and we're going after that dirty S.O.B. Irvine!

Quistis: (bored): Lovely.

Selphie (elbows Quistis in the ribs): I'll let you shoot the deck guns.

Quistis (sheepishly): I can't. I forgot to bring my glasses.

Rinoa (frowns): I didn't think you really needed them.

Quistis: Come to think of it, I only wore them in the FMV at the start of disc one. Maybe I don't need them.

Selphie: I thought you did. That would explain your haircut.

Quistis: Would you mind repeating that?

Selphie (grabbing one of the long locks that frames Quistis' face): I mean, what are these? Bookmarks?

Quistis: You're one to talk, Selphie. What's up with those wings you got going there-use them to fly when the Ragnarok's down for repairs?

Rinoa: Yeah, how much hair spray does that take, Selphie?

Selphie: Shut up, Rhino! At least I just don't have that basic, straight no frills hair like you do.

Rinoa: It's Rinoa! And I could do something with my hair, but Squall hid my curling iron.

Quistis: I know I'm going to hate myself for this, but why did Squall hide your curling iron?

Rinoa (hesitates): Because I set the fur collar of his jacket on fire.

Quistis: How the hell…(raises both hands). Never mind. Let's just go.

(A bright ball of energy suddenly appears on the docks in front of the girls, its radiance blinding.

The girls shield their eyes and can discern that there are two figures there, one tall and female, the other short and cute. As the glow fades, it becomes apparent that the woman is Sorceress Ultimecia, along with Carbuncle.)

Quistis and Selphie: ULTIMECIA!

(Rinoa faints dead away.)

Ultimecia: Stay your wrath, young SeeDs. I come in peace…

Selphie (tapping at Rinoa with the toe of a boot): for crying out lot, she's not in a coma again, is she?

Quistis: I hope not. (to herself) Maybe this is my chance!

Selphie: Man, if she's out again, I ain't giving her a piggy back ride to Esthar.

Quistis: I know. Poor Squall's back was tied up in knots for days.

Selphie (looking sidelong at Quistis): How would you know that, Quisty?

Ultimecia (clears throat): Young women of SeeD…

Quistis: Look, I'm just assuming here, Selphie. I mean, Squall carried her all the way to Esthar-

Selphie: On his back. Hardly romantic. Makes you wonder how he'll carry her over the threshold.

Quistis (slightly irked): and I'm sure it bothered him.

Ultimecia (irritated): SeeDs….

Selphie: Must've been hard unknotting all those hard muscles.

Quistis: It was-eep! (covers mouth with hands)

Selphie: AH-HA!

Quistis: It's-it's not what you think! I just rubbed his shoulders when we were on our way to the Sorceresses Memorial to get Rinoa.

Selphie: Man, you work quick, don't you? They were sticking Rhino in a tube and you were trying to get funky with Squall.

Ultimecia: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

(Ultimecia grows to a height of twenty feet tall, greatly resembling Adel. Selphie and Quistis go superdeformed from sheer panic)

Ultimecia: OH, GIVE IT A REST, GIRLS! YOU BOTH HIT ON SQUALL AT THE PARTY AFTER DOLLET AND ALL HE DID WAS SAY "WHATEVER!" HE'S NOT WORTH IT!

Selphie: What just happened?

Quistis: We got superdeformed. Common trait to most shojo anime.

Selphie: It hurts!

Ultimecia (back to normal): There, that's better. And Mss Heartilly, you may wake up-I don't intend to possess you. 

(Quistis snaps her fingers and swears under her breath)

Rinoa (sitting up): You tried to get funky with Squall while I was in a test tube, Quistis?

Quistis: Later. What do you want, Ultimecia?

Ultimecia: I come bearing grim tidings for your world, girls. A threat approaches your world, one that only a special power can defeat.

Selphie: Excuse me? Aren't you the bad guy?

Ultimecia: I once was. But it suits the purposes of the writer to completely ignore the ending of the game and use me here.

Quistis, Rinoa, and Selphie: Oh.

Ultimecia: At any rate, a threat approaches your world, and only you can stop it. You have been chosen to face this enemy with the gift of magical powers.

Quistis: We already have magical powers. And I have a useful Limit Break-

(Rinoa and Selphie stick out their tongues at Quistis.)

Quistis: -and we all have weapons. So is that what you are talking about?

Ultimecia (shakes head): No, the power you must defeat requires a power that is similar to it.

And only you girls can wield it.

Quistis: Why?

Ultimecia: The fans don't know enough about Ellone, Xu, and Fujin. Now, are you prepared to receive this power?

Selphie: We'd better be or this will be a short fanfic.

Ultimecia: (raises arms over head) Then receive this power!

(Quistis, Selphie, and Rinoa are surrounded in light as a fairly standard magical girl transformation sequence begins, complete with enough hints of nudity to make the guys watching the show leer yet demure enough to keep a 13 and up rating. Each girl winds up in your basic stylized sailor dress, pretty much in the color schemes the girls prefer. Selphie winds up with cute

knee high boots, Quistis gets the ankle boots of Sailor Jupiter, and Rinoa winds up with high heels.)

A group of fishermen on the docks notice the girls. Among their number is Raijin.

Raijin: (stunned): HOOTCHIE-MAMA!

Fujin (appearing behind Raijin): RAGE!

(Fujin knocks Raijin silly)

Ultimecia: There! Your transformation is complete!

Rinoa: Oh, I'm so cute! Squall will love it!

Quistis: I look ridiculous.

Selphie (tugging at the hem of her pleated skirt): My skirt's too long.

(Quistis and Rinoa stare in disbelief at Selphie)

Quistis: What?

Rinoa: She's got a point. I'm amazed she can walk in that little yellow dress without putting on a show. And she's always jumping up and down…must be fun to be next to her in the battle order.

Quistis (to Ultimecia): Now, let me guess…Carbuncle is the obligatory cute animal side kick, 

right? 

(Carbuncle lets out a cute sound and jumps over to the girls)

Selphie: Oh, wow…I gotta catch it! (She produces a red and white ball from behind her back)

C'mere, little fellow…

Quistis: Knew we couldn't get through this thing without a Pokemon joke.

Ultimecia (imperiously): Now, you are no longer mere mercenaries. You are now the Pretty Magical Soldier Knights!

Rinoa: Sure, make the lawsuit really big.

Quistis: Say, Ultimecia, is there some silly thing we have to say to change into these clothes?

Ultimecia: You are good. Yes, you must say "Mildly Provocative Transformation- Stock Footage!" 

Quistis: That's par for the course for this fanfic. And Carbuncle…?

Ultimecia: Will guide you on your journey. The course you have agreed to is dangerous, yet I have faith in you. (Smoke billows around Ultimecia) Farewell!

(Ultimecia disappears)

Rinoa: Well, now what?

Selphie: We still go get Irvine! If the bad guys are any good, they'll chase us down anywhere! Let's go !

(the girls run down the docks, Carbuncle following)

(Somewhere else, a shadow watches a crystal ball showing what has just happened )

The Menace: So, Ultimecia, you have made your move. Now it's my turn….HA HA HA!

To Be Continued…


	2. Default Chapter Title

Pretty Magical Soldier Knights SeeD

Part Two: The First Foes Revealed! The Battle To Save Dollet

(An opening credits sequence begins, featuring typically high quality animation that, if you pay attention, tells the plot of the entire show. If the show is running on TV Tokyo, odds are Megumi Hayashibara is singing the theme song, whether or not she's actually a seiyuu on the show.)

Selphie: YAAAY! Megumi does my voice!

Quistis (clears throat): Excuse me?

Selphie: Well, she's always doing hyper-energetic characters, right? And who in this story is more energetic and cute than me?

Quistis: She doesn't always do cute voices, you know.

Selphie: Oh, yeah? Name one!

Quistis: There's Faye Valentine from Cowboy Bebop.

Selphie: Darnit!

Rinoa: Uh, guys? Everybody reading this might not know that much about anime, you know?

Quistis: Don't worry-the only Japanese voice actress the writer knows anything about is Megumi. This'll be over soon.

Rinoa: Oh, okay!

(We fade into the main street of Dollet. Selphie, Rinoa, and Quistis walk down the street, having reverted to their default FF clothing)

Selphie: Well, here we are in Dollet!

Quistis (yawning): Wonderful

Selphie: Hey, don't you start, Quisty! We would have been here hours ago if you hadn't gotten started with the deck guns.

Quistis (defensively): That fishing trawler just leaped out in front of us!

Selphie: Uh-huh.

Quistis: We could have hit it! It was just a warning shot!

Selphie: You sank it, Quistis.

Quistis (sheepishly): Well, a few shots might have gone wild…

Selphie: Try six thousand, Quistis.

Quistis (looking to change the subject): Hey, what happened to those silly uniforms Ultimecia gave us?

Selphie: It's a new episode. We can't have a new episode without a transformation sequence

Quistis: Oh.

Rinoa (looking around): It's been so long since I came here.

Selphie: Come again?

Rinoa: I was thinking about that day me and Squall and Zell came to Dollet…Seifer was there too…

(A sudden realization crosses Selphie's face.)

Selphie: Hey, WAIT A MINUTE! You weren't here!

Rinoa (confused): Yes, I was. I didn't have a lot to say, but…

Selphie: That was the DEMO DISC! You had my spot!

Rinoa: Are you sure?

Selphie: Of course I am! You were on the demo disc, the only reason ANYBODY bought "Brave Fencer Musashi"! They added Quistis and me later! Had a soldier in Quistis' spot-not that you could tell the difference…

(Quistis bonks Selphie on the top of her head)

Selphie: OUCH! Meanie!

Quistis: Be quiet (looks around): Why does everyone have us go to Dollet? All kinds of fanfics have us going to Dollet.

Selphie: Yeah! Why not start up in Trabia! Trabia Garden RULES!

Rinoa: Probably because no one wants to freeze their @$$e$ off up there.

Selphie: WHAT!

Quistis: That reminds me, Selphie…Trabia Garden is in the middle of a snow field, right? 

Selphie: So?

Quistis (pointing at Selphie's microdress and bare legs): Didn't you ever feel a draft?

Selphie (fuming): You don't want me to start about being cold, Miss Ice Queen.

Quistis: Would you like to taste my whip?

(Selphie and Rinoa make identical expressions of disgust.)

Rinoa: I'm not that type of girl!

Selphie (blushing): Well, not with another girl at any rate.

Quistis: OH, SHUT UP! (produces Save the Queen from nowhere). Prepare to eat chain whip!

(Carbuncle materializes between the girls.)

Quistis: Oh, what now?

(Carbuncle makes some cute noises and points down the street.)

Selphie: Is it the great evil that Ultimecia was talking about?

(Carbuncle shakes its head.)

Rinoa: Well, then what is it?

(Carbuncle produces from behind its back a cowboy hat, overcoat and a gun that suspiciously resembles a water gun. It puts the clothes on and, carrying the gun walks around.)

Selphie: Are you talking about Irvine?

(Carbuncle nods and jumps up and down.)

Selphie (face turning red from anger): What is he doing?

(Carbuncle hold up a sign that reads "Hey, baby-want a date?")

Selphie: OOH! WHERE IS HE!

(Carbuncle lets out a cute yelp and takes off down the street.)

Selphie: Follow that GF!

(Selphie breaks into a run, followed by Rinoa. After a while, Quistis sighs.)

Quistis: This is so silly…

(Quistis follows.)

(Meanwhile, in the lair of the Menace, we find the hapless Galbadian soldiers Biggs and Wedge:

the Menace is addressing them.)

Menace: Gentlemen. You have both suffered at the hands of SeeD…

Biggs: We've suffered, period. We got clobbered at the start of Final Fantasy VI, crushed in Final Fantasy VII, and we were frickin' comic relief in FF8…

Menace (taps a finger against his crystal ball). Gentlemen, I did not choose to grant you the power that you possess because you have the fortune of having your names in multiple Final Fantasy games.

Wedge (enthusiastically): Yeah, our power…hey, Major Biggs, check this out.

(Wedge raises his hands over his head, magical energy racing from his fingers. The energy hits a coffee table in the middle of a rather incongruous living room set the only furnishings visible.)

Biggs: Where'd that furniture come from?

Menace: Oh, that's a 2001: A Space Odyssey reference. The writer's a smart @$$.

(The table mutates into some kind of monster, with humanoid arms and legs and an almost elfin face: the body, however, remains a table.)

Wedge: Yes! I AM THE MAN!

Biggs: That thing's ridiculous!

Wedge: Now, look, the boss gave us the power to turn inanimate objects into monsters! It's a cool power!

Biggs: Who the hell is going to be scared of a killer table?

Wedge: It's all I had to work with! Hey, it works on Sailor Moon!

Biggs: WHEN? Name one "Monster of the Week" that didn't get nuked by Sailor Moon?

Wedge: Look, turning everyday objects into a threat that reflects the overall theme of the episode is a time hallowed tradition in magical girl anime-

(A blast of energy destroys the table monster.)

Menace: That's quite enough, gentlemen. The fourth wall is turning to paper-maiche here. Now, I want you to go to Dollet and destroy the Soldier Knights!

Wedge: Do we have to? That Selphie girl is so cute-and Quistis sure has a nice set of…

Biggs: YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH!

Wedge: But I'm just talkin' about Quistis…

Menace: Oh, for crying out loud-JUST KILL THEM! Or you'll be wishing you were back in FF7, all blocky polygons! (The Menace waves his hand and Biggs and Wedge disappear in a flash of light.)

Menace…Morons.

(Carbuncle leads the girls into a bar. Irvine is leaning against the bar, talking to a very pretty girl in a pink dress holding a basket of flowers.)

Selphie: AH-HA! 

(Irvine screams like a little girl.)

Irvine: (breaking into a sweat): Selphie, baby, I was, was…just getting you some flowers, baby.

Quistis (to the flower girl): How did you get here before we did?

Flower Girl: How did I get into Final Fantasy Tactics? 

(She leans over and hands Irvine a set of keys.)

Flower Girl: I'm in Room 210, stud. See you around.

(The flower girl walks out past the girls.)

Rinoa: Who does she think she is? I'm the ingenue in this world!

Quistis: At least you didn't die…unfortunately.

(Irvine tries to sneak out the fire exit.)

Selphie: OH NO YOU DON'T!

(She pulls out Strange Vision and smashes the bar in half)

Selphie: You don't wanna know where I'm gonna hit you with this…hey, STOP!

(Irvine flees out the door, Selphie chasing him.)

Quistis: We'd better go before she hurts him too much.

(They follow.)

(Outside, Selphie is taking pot shots at Irvine, barely missing. As they run around a corner, a bright flash of light separates her from Irvine. Not looking back, Irvine keeps running.)

Irvine: No offense, Selphie…hey, that flower girl said "Room 210", didn't she?

(Quistis and Rinoa catch up with Selphie as the light fades, revealing Biggs and Wedge.)

Quistis: What the heck do these guys want?

Selphie: Who cares! I'll kick their @$$e$ too!

Biggs: So, it's the Pretty Magical Soldier Knights…prepare to face our mighty wrath!

Rinoa: Mighty wrath…who writes their dialogue?

Quistis: Same clown that writes ours.

Wedge: It's time to face our revenge, girls-although I would rather ask you out for a date…

Selphie: Quistis! Here's your chance!

Rinoa: Yeah, you could start a new life now!

Quistis: THAT'S IT! THE HAMMER'S COMING DOWN!

Selphie: (tears forming in her eyes): Irvy…

Quistis: And cut that out! Your off-color references are keeping this thing from being rated "PG".

Biggs: It's time for you to pay!

(Biggs sends a magical zap over the girls heads-by some divine coincidence, it strikes the window display of a furniture store, turning a three piece living room set into monsters. Wedge falls over laughing.)

Wedge: BWA-HA-HA!!!

Biggs: SHUT UP! It was an accident!

(A couch monster, a love seat monster, and a recliner monster stalk the girls. Quistis tries a Firaga spell and it has no effect.)

Quistis: Darn it!

(Carbuncle appears again. From the gem on its forehead appears a projection of Ultimecia.)

Ultimecia: Soldier Knights! You must transform to defeat these monsters!

Selphie: YIPPEE! 

Rinoa: I'll look so cute!

Quistis: (whimpering): I want to go home.

Selphie and Rinoa (shouting): MILDLY PROVACATIVE TRANSFORMATION-STOCK FOOTAGE!

Quistis (with the enthusiasm of a child getting ready for school) What they said….

(The stock footage rolls, leaving the girls in their uniforms. Biggs and Wedge are staring wide-eyed.)

Biggs (awed): Oh my gosh.

Wedge: I TOLD you Quistis had a nice set of…

Quistis: You SAW us!

Biggs: Oh, yes. 

Wedge: Thank you, ma 'am.

Rinoa (blushing head to toe): But only Squall can see me like that.

Selphie: Or anyone who goes to Seifer's home page-just check the link that reads "Summer Love"

Rinoa: He said there was no film in the camera!

(The furniture monsters close in on the girls.)

Selphie: Let's see-we should have some silly magical attacks handy…oh, I got it! 

(Selphie strikes a cute pose that reveals a decent amount of upper thigh.)

Selphie: ULTRA-KAWAII BOOYAKA BOMB!

(A blast of magical energy that is still somehow cute rushes towards the recliner monster, disintegrating it.)

Rinoa: Uh, let me try this…. PRETTY PRINCESS MAGIC KABOOM!

(A blue circle of energy surrounds the Love Seat monster, then turns into a column of power that destroys it.)

Quistis (pointing a finger at the couch monster): Bang.

(The couch monster explodes.)

Selphie: Quistis! You aren't getting into the spirit of it!

(Quistis whirls on Wedge and Biggs Save the Queen in her hands.)

Quistis: No one sees me naked, gentlemen!

Selphie: Ain't that the truth.

Biggs (waving his hands): Hold on a minute! I thought this was a Sailor Moon parody! They don't use weapons!

Quistis (with an evil grin on her face): This is also a Rayearth parody, boys, and they do use weapons! Prepare to taste my whip!

(Biggs and Wedge hug each other, shuddering in fear.)

Wedge: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

(Whip cracks and screams of pain, interspersed by Quistis laughing maniacally, fill the skies.)

Selphie (to Rinoa): You know, Quistis has some serious issues…

Rinoa: That was just a joke about Seifer's home page, right?

Selphie (smirking): Sure, Rhino, sure.

(Later, in the lair of the Menace, Biggs and Wedge stand in front of the Menace, wrapped in enough bandages to qualify for a mummy movie.)

Menace: Well that could have gone better. Clearly Ultimecia chose her " Soldier Knights" well…

or I chose idiots…

Female Voice (from the shadows): I would choose the latter.

(The Card Queen steps up to the Menace.)

Menace: Well, it is about time to introduce the evil female member of the team…although I'm not sure you qualify as "evil"

Card Queen: You haven't tried my side quest, have you? Shall I destroy these little girls for you?

Menace: Oh, why not. 

(Quistis, Selphie, and Rinoa are driving a rental car outside of Dollet the next day. Selphie is driving.)

Selphie: I can't believe that Irvine told that stupid flower girl he was going to Deling City!

Quistis: I can't believe he still went by her room last night…. What a MORON!

Rinoa: Well, at least he's going to Deling City-I know all about the bars there so he should be easy to find.

Selphie: Rinoa, you're what, eighteen? How do you know a lot about bars in Deling City?

Rinoa: I was a very well developed fourteen-year-old.

Quistis (looking the very slim Rinoa over): It didn't last.

Rinoa: HEY!

(Carbuncle materializes in the middle of the road behind the car and watches them drive into the distance, still arguing, then, it lets out a cute little sigh, then follows them…)

To Be Continued….


	3. Default Chapter Title

Pretty Magical Soldier Knights SeeD

Part Three: A Trick of the Card! The Devastating Attack of the Card Queen!

(We find our heroines in Deling City, walking in circles through the city's confusing layout.)

Quistis: Hey, didn't we have a car at the end of the last part?

Selphie: Yeah, but you know how it goes, Quistis. You rent a car, you drive into the rental area, it automatically parks and you run out of the garage. 

Quistis: That's a bit odd, isn't it?

Selphie: It makes the rental guys lots of money if you get too close to a city on the world map.

Rinoa (confusion in her voice): World Map?

Quistis: You know, that place where only one of us shows up at a time, the cities are tiny and the music is pretty bad?

Selphie (shuddering): Tell me about it. 

Rinoa: I never see anything but Squall's back when we're outside of towns

Quistis (smirking): I am not touching that one, Rhino.

Rinoa: It's RINOA! And you're just jealous of my charms, Quistis!

Selphie: Yeah, everybody likes a girl who can convincingly say to you "Is that a Gunblade in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

Rinoa: Look who's talking, Selphie…you couldn't even keep Irvine on the ranch…

Selphie (stamping her feet): Meanie! It's not my fault that they didn't character design enough guys to go around so I had to take Irvine!

(The girls walk by the hotel, when suddenly Quistis stops, lost in thought.)

Selphie: Quistis? What's up…dreaming of that first special night with a boy?

Rinoa: And wishing it would finally happen?

Quistis (ignoring Rinoa): You know, it just occurred to me…Laguna had the hots for your mother, Julia, right, Rinoa?

Rinoa: Uh…yeah, right.

Quistis: And he also got married to Raine, who we all realized belatedly was Squall's mother.

(Rinoa stares in confusion at Quistis.)

Rinoa: Laguna is Squall's father?

Quistis (slapping her forehead in disbelief): YES! Didn't you know that?

Selphie: Jeez, what do you and Squall talk about at night?

Rinoa: He says stuff like "Roll over" and "I'm sorry" and "Next time it'll be better."

Quistis: I did NOT need to know that!

Selphie: You had a point, Quisty?

Quistis: Oh, yes. Well, it occurs to me that Laguna is a dog where women are concerned.

Selphie: DON'T BADMOUTH MY SIR LAGUNA!

Quistis: It's just an observation, Selphie…he is a bit haphazard in his relationships….

Selphie (fuming): Ooh…I didn't read every issue of Timber Maniacs just to hear you say bad things about Sir Laguna?

Rinoa: Why would ANYONE read every issue of Timber Maniacs? Next to "Occult Fan" that's the most useless item in the game?

(Selphie is about to defend herself when a blast of anime style powers zooms at them. All three girls avoid the attack, which nukes one of the ever-present buses on the streets of Deling City)

Quistis: Oh, what now?

Selphie: Never mind that. Energy attacks should move so fast that we can't even see them…how did we dodge that?

Quistis: For god's sake don't get physics involved in it, Selphie!

Rinoa (pointing): Look!

(Standing down the street is the darnest monster that you'll ever see. Its body is that of a triple triad card-a Buel card, in fact-while it has the typically elfin appearance of your basic Sailor Moon monster otherwise.)

Selphie: Oh you have got to be kidding me…another monster?

(Carbuncle appears, bouncing up and down.)

Quistis: Excuse me, but aren't you supposed to be our guide?

(Carbuncle works a nod into its cute capering.)

Quistis: Then shouldn't you be offering us haughty advice on how to defeat monsters and be better young women?

Rinoa: Yeah!

(Carbuncle holds up a sign that reads "Mokona" as the Card Monster rushes them.)

Selphie: You mean you aren't a send up of Luna, huh, you're a send up of Mokona! (snaps fingers.) I'm so smart and cute!

Quistis: One out of two ain't bad.

(The monster scatters the girls like ten pins in a series of freeze frames.)

Selphie: What was that? I couldn't move!

Quistis: Typically they put a lot of money into the first two episodes of an anime series, then lower the budget at episode three. Freeze frames save money.

Rinoa: Guess we need to transform again…Mildly Provocative Transformation-

(Quistis claps a hand over Rinoa's mouth.)

Quistis: Rhino! Remember Dollet! Those guys saw us without our clothes on!

(Quistis pulls Rinoa and Selphie towards an alleyway; the Card Monster watches, puzzled. From the shelter of the alley, the monster hears the girls, with varying levels of enthusiasm, shout their transformation phrase. Magical lights sparkle everywhere, and the girls, in full magical girl regalia, run out into the street.)

Selphie (looking down at herself): You know, my legs look killer in this outfit.

Quistis: Good thing for the standard magical girl figure enhancement

Selphie: Huh?

Quistis: You know, how a girl goes from skinny and little to all curvy and leggy and adult when she transforms? Good thing for you, chicken legs.

Selphie: WHAT!

Quistis: I saw your first FMV, Selphie. You don't have legs you have toothpicks!

Rinoa: Guys…there's a monster to fight….

Selphie (standing on her tiptoes so she can be eye to eye with Quistis): Take that back, Miss "Hides her thighs behind a really long skirt!"

Rinoa (shaking her head): Oh, to heck with it….

Quistis: Now LOOK-I have the best figure of any girl in the game-just look at my action figure!

Selphie: Oh, yeah, right-seen mine lately? Doesn't exactly lack for curves either….

(Rinoa turns towards the monster and strikes a cute as all get out pose, some sort of stock background footage involving angel wings running behind her)

Rinoa: Pretty Princess Magical Kaboom!

(The card monster explodes.)

Quistis (puzzled) What just happened behind you, Rinoa?

Rinoa: Oh, the leader of the magical girls, the princess, always gets special background footage for her attacks-you know, Sailor Moon and pictures of the moon, that sort of thing…

Selphie: Well, who made YOU the princess?!

Rinoa: The creators of Final Fantasy VIII-I am the romantic lead you know…now c'mon, let's find Irvine!

(Rinoa runs off.)

Quistis: I really hate her. Really.

Selphie: Especially when she's right, huh?

Quistis (sniffling): It's just that you got your big return to Trabia Garden scene and I didn't get anything…

Selphie: There, there. For what it's worth, you usually wind up with some hot guy that acts a lot like Squall in most other fanfics.

Quistis: Thanks. Let's go catch Rhino.

(From around the corner of a building, the Card Queen watches the girls leave.)

Card Queen: Well, they are powerful if not somewhat foolish…I'll need a plan to lure them in…. something they want…

(Irvine walks up from behind the Card Queen, a little drunk.)

Irvine: Hey, baby…you haven't seen a little girl with a big set of nunchuks and a homicidal attitude, have you? (looks the Card Queen over) Whoa…where have you been all my life, baby?

(The Card Queen smiles.)

(Several hours later, the girls, still in their magical guises, are still wandering the streets of Deling City.)

Rinoa: I can't believe that we haven't found Irvine yet!

Quistis: I can't believe how many bars that you got us into, Rinoa.

Selphie: I can't believe how much gil that guy was willing to pay you to use that whip on him, Quistis.

Quistis (fuming): Shut up, Selphie.

Rinoa: I told you I was popular around here, Quistis.

Quistis: Oh, yes. I always aspired to be known in every bar in a city before I was fifteen.

Rinoa: I was just acting out, Quistis. Daddy's rich little princess, ignored by her father…it was just a phase.

Selphie: And after that you let off steam by indulging in terrorism, right? "Dad hates me-I'm gonna blow up a bridge!"

Rinoa: My therapist said directing violence at the government was very therapeutic.

(The girls walk past a club called the Kit Kat Room, advertising "24 Hours A Day Stopless Dancers")

Quistis: You have got to be kidding me.

Selphie: No, the writer saw that sign in his hometown…you couldn't make that up.

(The man at the door sees the girls and waves.)

Doorman: Miss Rinoa! Welcome back!

(Rinoa turns bright red.)

Rinoa: Uh, er, hi…

Quistis: Rinoa…how does this guy know you?

Rinoa: I, uh, might have walked by here a few times…

Doorman: She's being too modest! This little lady was once the top attraction here! Every weekend for two years-

(Quistis and Selphie give Rinoa knowing glances.)

Rinoa: Look, it was just once…amateur's night….

Doorman: We called her "The Timber Rose."

Rinoa: Oh, okay, I'll admit it! The Forest Owls needed the money! How else do you think a complete bonehead like me got Zone and Watts to worship me? Please don't tell Squall!

Quistis: It'll cost you…

Rinoa: Performance royalties from "Eyes on Me"? I get 10% every time someone puts it on a Rinoa shrine!

Selphie: Deal!

(Before the girls can continue on their way, a bright light appears, heralding the arrival of the Card Queen.)

Selphie: Oh, great. It's that irritating side quest again 

Quistis: No, I think that the Obel Lake quest surpasses it for sheer banality…(addresses the Card Queen.) Did you send that silly monster at us?

Card Queen: Of course! Now, Soldier Knights-surrender! Or face the consequences!

Selphie: Which are, exactly?

(The Card Queen waves a hand and an image of Irvine appears behind her, hands tied behind his back.)

Irvine (his words slurred): Hey…only Selphie can tie me up…

Selphie: IRVINE! GIMME GIMME GIMME!

Card Queen: If you surrender I will release him…

Selphie: GIMME! I wanna kick his butt!

Card Queen: Look, he's a hostage…you can expect me to release him so you can hurt him!

Quistis: You don't know Selphie…

Card Queen (producing a deck of Triple Triad cards): Well, FINE! All he did while I kidnapped him was hit on me! (The image of Irvine fades) Face my wrath!

Quistis: I should point out to you that I am the King of the Balamb Garden CC Group, and-

Rinoa: That always bothered me…why would any girl want to call herself "King"?

Selphie: Yeah, Quistis… we wouldn't be confused about our identity, would we?

Quistis: Now, LOOK! It's just a title….

Rinoa: You know, she doesn't have a boyfriend…always talking about my figure and your legs…

Quistis: AAAARRGGGHHHH!!!!

(Quistis whirls on the Card Queen.)

Quistis: YOU! I have a lot of stress to work off! Make some monsters or something!

Card Queen: Uh, OK….

(The Card Queen transforms a Doomtrain card, a Tri-point card, and a Turtapod card into monsters.)

Quistis: Now that's more like it…

(Quistis raises her hands over her head.)

Quistis: Here goes! MAGICAL SCHOOL'S IN SESSION! QUISTIS TREPE, INSTRUCTING!

Rinoa: That isn't much of an attack name.

Selphie: I think she's venting.

(Quistis uncorks an unholy amount of power at the monsters.)

Selphie: HEY! She gets the good limit breaks and the best magical girl stuff!

Rinoa: I think the writer's scared of her.

(Quistis' attack blows up all three monsters and half a city block.)

Quistis: Whoops…but man do I feel better…(smiles..) You're right, Rhino. Destruction can be very therapeutic. 

Rinoa (nervously) Think nothing of it…

(The Card Queen emerges from the cloud of smoke coughing.)

Card Queen: You need to seek help, girlfriend.

Quistis (raising Save the Queen): Would you like to taste my whip?

(Before the Card Queen can answer, a dark shadow appears behind her. The girls go superdeformed again from panic.)

Selphie: Ouchies that hurts!

Rinoa: I'm especially cute superdeformed!

(Quistis decks Rinoa on general principle.)

Card Queen (looking up at the shadow.): Yes, lord?

Menace: This didn't work…I've already collected your foolish hostage, let's go…

Card Queen: I get to be in the next episode?

Menace: Of course! You hang around until either I sacrifice you selfishly to further my goals or you discover that I'm not in love with you! It's the fate of the female villain in magical girl anime!

Card Queen: Oh.

Menace (to the girls): If you wish to punish that oaf Irvine for his crimes personally, Miss Tilmitt, come to the Centra Ruins!

Selphie: Wow that sounds seriously final!

Menace (as he and the Card Queen vanish): The writer's trying to get this done in five parts.

Selphie and Quistis: Oh…

(The bad guys vanish completely)

(Carbuncle appears, a projection of Ultimecia appearing from its gemstone.)

Ultimecia: Soldier Knights! You have met at last our true enemy and….(looks down at Rinoa)

Why is Miss Heartilly unconscious again?

Quistis: She got on my bad side.

Selphie: That would presume you have a good side, Quistis.

Quistis: Do you want me to cut you out of the royalties, Selphie?

Selphie: Ooh, good point…what do we do know, Ultimecia?

Ultimecia: Well, Miss Trepe will doubtlessly have a lot of explaining to do for this damage, and Miss Heartilly will have to wake up…

(Quistis smirks.)

Ultimecia: And then you will have to journey to the Centra Ruins, to face the enemy for the fate of the world!

Selphie: The fate of the world…ah, I just remembered that there's a meeting of the Garden Festival Committee today and…

Ultimecia: Do not worry, Miss Tilmitt. Men only join the Committee because they think you're silly enough to go out with them if they help you.

Selphie: WHAT! THOSE GUYS! I'LL….

(In the Centra Ruins, the Menace addresses the Card Queen, Biggs, and Wedge; Irvine is chained to the wall.)

Irvine: C'mon, let me go…I gotta date…

Menace: That's quite enough out of you-Biggs, Wedge, I want you to go out and recruit every second banana bad guy, every random encounter soldier you can find! The Soldier Knights are coming, and I want their approach to be as irritating as possible.

Biggs: Enough random encounters can be irritating.

Wedge: Quistis is coming…(he swoons). Ah, Quistis….

Biggs: She broke every bone in your body and you still like her?

Wedge: Never underestimate the value of a nice set of…

Menace: You KNOW the writer won't let you say that! Now go, and prepare for their arrival! We're getting close to the end, and I want it to be perfect!

(Biggs and Wedge vanish.)

Menace: Soon, Ultimecia. Soon I'll defeat your foolish Soldier Knights…and then…

Irvine: Hey…I really need to get out of here!

Menace: Oh, SHUT UP, pastel cowboy….

(The Card Queen sighs as our episode comes to a close.)

To Be Continued….


	4. Default Chapter Title

Pretty Magical Soldier Knights SeeD Part Four:

The Beginning of the End: The Final Stand of the Soldier Knights

(Quistis, Selphie and Rinoa, in their magical girl regalia, appear outside of the Centra Ruins in a burst of glowing light)

Selphie (dizzy): Are we there yet?

Quistis: I sure hope so. This new teleporting power is a pain in the @$$.

Rinoa (puzzled): Uh, when did we learn to teleport?

Quistis: About the time the writer looked at a map of our world and realized how far the Centra Ruins were from Deling City.

Selphie: Yeah…he sure is in a hurry to get this done all of a sudden.

Quistis: He's already looking forward to Final Fantasy IX…I think he's got a crush on that Garnet girl.

(Selphie turns red with anger.)

Selphie (furious): Why that so and so! All those nights playing the game, telling me that he'd never felt this way, that he would never leave me, that he'd never met a girl quite like me…AAAAAHHH!!!! GRRRRRRRR!!!

Quistis: Welcome to the world of video game crushes. This year's crush is next year's "Who are you?"

Rinoa: Just ask Tifa Lockhart.

(Selphie explodes with rage.)

Selphie: He said I was the FIRST!

Quistis: Yeah, right. He's been falling for video game girls since the first time he played Street Fighter II.

Rinoa (knowingly): Chun-Li?

Quistis: Yup.

Selphie (swinging Strange Vision madly): Okay, first I kick Irvine's butt, then I go after this writer goof!

Rinoa: Um, Selphie, he's the writer of this…how exactly are you going to get him?

Selphie: His girlfriend has a Selphie shrine, and that gives me an inside track with her…do you hear me boy?

(The writer shudders with appropriate fear.)

Selphie: Good…now let's go girls!

(Selphie dashes over the hill, followed by Rinoa, who has difficulty navigating the slope in her high heels. Quistis looks over her shoulder and sighs.)

Quistis: I do so much better in his other fanfics…

(Quistis follows.)

(The girls are in the first area of the Centra Ruins. Thankfully no Tonberrys are around to attack them.)

Quistis (looking up): Where's the clock?

Selphie: I beg your pardon?

Quistis: You didn't come here on the Odin quest, did you?

Selphie: Hey, I've been here before! There's a picture of me jumping for joy on my web page!

Rinoa: There's also a picture of you modeling lingerie on there too.

(Quistis stares sidelong at Selphie.)

Selphie: What? I'll have you know that a very reputable photographer in Balamb took that!

Quistis: No wonder guys think that they'll get a shot at you if they join the Festival Committee.

Selphie: Do you know that someone built a shrine to you called "Mistress of the Whip?"

(Quistis fumes.)

Rinoa: Really?

Selphie: No, but I like yanking her chain.

(Before Quistis can respond, a burst of machine gun fire rakes the general area. The girls, superdeformed, dance up and down to avoid the bullets.)

Selphie: Why do bad guys always shoot at your feet?

Quistis: Would you rather they shoot you in the head then?

Selphie: That wouldn't bother Rhino here.

Rinoa (ignoring Selphie and Quistis and pointing up the next set of stairs.): Look!

(As good as the Menace's word, standing at the head of the stairs are literally dozens of random encounter characters-Galbadian soldiers, caterchipillers, Esthar soldiers, fungars, the whole nine yards. Standing behind them are Biggs and Wedge.)

Biggs: Soldier Knights! This time you don't face animated furniture! 

Wedge (blushing, waving at Quistis): Hi, Miss Trepe!

Biggs: Will you STOP! (smacks Wedge upside of the head) Haven't you ever seen a naked girl before?

Wedge: Not since I used to go to this stopless dancer joint in Deling City…there was this one little hottie they called "the Timber Rose" that used to make me wish I was a pole…

Rinoa (ignoring the smiles and giggles from Quistis and Selphie): WE DON'T CARE! Prepare to be defeated, minions of evil!

(Quistis mouths "Minions of evil?" in disbelief)

Biggs (chuckling): How do you propose to do so, little lady?

Rinoa (pointing at Biggs and Wedge and striking a pose that Sailor Moon could envy): I may be a silly piece of fluff, but even I can see that your "army" is made of the same sort of low level goofs that we fought hundreds of times just to LEVEL UP!!!!

Quistis: Damn that was actually pretty bright, Rhino.

Selphie: Yeah, you nutbars! Couldn't go get a Malboro or a hexadragon, could you…went and recruited the loser's brigade!!!

Biggs (breaking out into a sweat): But…we're supposed to defeat you!

Quistis (laughing an evil laugh): Haven't you figured it out yet? You're the lowest rung on the ladder here…you're expendable! If this was a serious fanfic we would have killed you by now! You're the black ninjas…the guys from Star Trek in the red shirts! Cannon fodder!

Biggs (completely flustered): We'll-we'll see…GET THEM!

(The random encounter army charges)

Selphie (striking her cute yet sexy attack pose): ULTRA-KAWAII BOOYAKA BOMB!!!!

(The left third of the army goes up in flames.)

Rinoa (also in attack pose): PRETTY PRINCESS MAGICAL KABOOM!!!

(The right third of the army goes up.)

Quistis (standing with a thoughtful expression on her face.) Uh, um…I'll name it later.

(Quistis waves an arm and the center part of the army is no more.)

(Biggs and Wedge stare dumbfounded at the girls.)

Wedge: Well, NOW what, Einstein?

Biggs: We still have our ludicrous power to turn inanimate objects into pointless monsters-this isn't over yet!

Quistis (to the other girls): I'll distract them. You guys nail them when I have their attention…(calls seductively to Biggs and Wedge.) Oh…boys?

Biggs: WHAT!!!

(Quistis transforms back to normal.)

Biggs (in awe): Oh…my…gawd…

Wedge: See what I mean…she's a goddess!

Biggs: You're right, Wedge…she does have a nice set of-

Quistis: Now, girls!

(Rinoa and Selphie unleash their attacks, blowing Biggs and Wedge sky-high.)

Rinoa (looking up, her hand shielding her eyes): Wow, hang time.

Selphie: Betcha Wedge goes higher.

Rinoa: Twenty gil!

Selphie: You're on!

(Both men fly the same height, then crash back to the ground, bouncing down the stairs until they lay at Quistis' feet, covered in soot and quivering.)

Selphie: Figures they'd even mess up our bet.

Quistis (scornfully): Perverts. (cracks Save the Queen) Prepare to taste my whip!

(Screaming in terror, Biggs and Wedge get up and run away.)

Rinoa: There goes your last chance for love.

(Quistis transforms back into her magical girl get up.)

Quistis: I'll deck you later, Rinoa.

Rinoa: I'm free this Saturday.

Selphie: And they say I'm the ditz….

(Upstairs, the Menace watches as the girls continue on their way in his crystal ball.)

Irvine: (from where he's imprisoned) Wow…Quistis sure looks killer naked…

Menace: You must want every girl in the game to kick you in the groin.

Irvine: Not particularly, no. Selphie likes a little pain but not that much.

Menace: At this rate no one will ever look at Selphie the same way again. (Addresses the Card Queen). It's your turn.

Card Queen (haughtily): I don't love you you know.

Menace: What?

Card Queen: I don't love you…so I don't have to suffer the fate of the female villain in all magical girl anime.

Menace: How about this…do as I say or you'll spend the rest of your days powerless in a pit with the pastel cowboy!

Irvine: Groovy!

Card Queen: You drive a hard bargain (teleports away)

Menace (shaking his head): What am I doing here?

(In the next area of the ruins, the girls suddenly encounter the Card Queen.)

Quistis: You again? Didn't you learn your lesson in Deling City?

Selphie: You need to instruct her some more, Instructor Trepe…(snickers)…Miss Trepe, I've been SO bad…instruct me!

Quistis: Just because I haven't kicked your @$$ doesn't mean I can't Selphie.

Card Queen: You three are SO doomed now!

Selphie: Right, sure…what are you going to do, make more card monsters?

Card Queen: Not exactly…

(The Card Queen raises her hands and blue sparks arc everywhere, finally centering on Rinoa. With a considerable ZAP, Rinoa is transformed into a Triple Triad Card.)

Quistis: I've already got her in my deck!

Selphie: AHH! She's flat and two-dimensional…. actually, it's hard to tell the difference.

Card Queen: Who's next?

(Selphie and Quistis point at each other)

Card Queen: That's hilarious….

Quistis: Got to use the old standards sometimes.

Card Queen (building her power) I hope you're ready for this.

Selphie: What if we aren't?

Card Queen: Then you aren't.

Selphie: Didn't think that would work.

Quistis (bending over and picking up Rinoa's card, er, Rinoa): I hope this works…

(The Card Queen unleashes her power at them. Focusing her magic, Quistis sends a bolt of force from Rinoa's card…you know!…at the Card Queen. The bolt tears through the Card Queen's power and smashes into her, turning HER into a card.)

Card Queen (voice muffled): Well, this rots…

Rinoa (materializing from the card.): How you do that?

Quistis: Saw it on an anime once.

Selphie: Card Captor Sakura? Wonder why the writer didn't make that joke the last time?

Quistis: "Cardcaptors" hadn't come on Kid's WB yet.

Selphie: I wish I was on that show! Sakura gets a different cute outfit every episode!

Quistis: And legions of adult Japanese men obsessing over her online.

Selphie: And this is different from my current situation…?

(Rinoa opens her mouth to say something.)

Selphie: Don't say a word, Rhino.

(Upstairs, with the Menace)

Menace: Well, it's true then…I shall have to deal with them myself. Guess I shouldn't have trusted those MORONS…

Irvine: Well why did you then?

Menace: I'm the villain…there are so many rules for the villain.

Irvine: Must suck…

Menace: Yeah, but now I'm going to cheat!

(The girls reach the area with the combination lock door. Carbuncle appears in front of them; Ultimecia projected from the jewel.)

Ultimecia: The final battle draws near, Soldier Knights…are you ready?

Quistis: I hope so. The writer can get back to his serious fanfics after this.

Selphie: uh, remember that his girl has a Selphie shrine…

Quistis: So?

Selphie: So his next one will be about ME!

(Quistis fumes.)

Ultimecia (indicating the door with a wave of her hand.): Fanfics later…the Menace awaits you!

(The door opens with a creaking sound of it's own accord)

Rinoa: I hate when that happens.

Selphie: Yeah, it's so trite…he should know better…(chides the writer with a wave of her hand.)

(Quistis, Selphie, and Rinoa enter the room beyond. They quickly see Irvine pinned to the wall and the ruins of the living room set destroyed in Part 2 and a throne with a shadowed figure sitting on it.)

Irvine: Selphie baby!

Selphie: Irvine! You stay right there! I'm gonna kick you in the balls later!

Irvine: Oh c'mon, baby, gimme a chance…

Selphie: Oh, I'll give you a chance all right-I'll give you a chance to experience life with swollen nads!

Irvine: Think I'll pass…

Quistis: You there! We've come here to kick @$$ and chew bubble gum and I don't have any bubble gum!

Rinoa: I do-wanna piece? (holds up a piece of gum.)

(Quistis shakes her head in despair.)

Menace (laughing deeply): So, Ultimecia's Soldier Knights have reached me…well, fine, I can deal with you personally! 

(The Menace stands and walks into the light. In a frightening lack of imagination, he turns out to be…..)

Rinoa and Selphie: SEPHIROTH!!!!

Quistis: Hubba hubba! (drools) What a hottie!

Sephiroth: Uh… excuse me Miss Trepe, but I intend to kill you now…

Quistis: Can't fault a girl for dreaming…gosh he's a stud….

Rinoa: Now she gets lovesick…great timing Quisty.

Sephiroth (swinging Murasame in the air): So, which one of you wants to be impaled on my blade first?

Selphie (to Quistis): Do not even think it, girlfriend…

To be concluded…

(Author's note: Sorry it's been a bit, but I had a little FF burnout and had to get away for a bit…hope you enjoy it!)


	5. Default Chapter Title

Pretty Magical Soldier Knights SeeD 

Part 5: The Fallen Angel! The Battle against Sephiroth!

(The girls stare at Sephiroth in amazement and in Quistis' case, a bit of awe.)

Quistis: You-a stud like you-are the villain?

Sephiroth: Yes, Miss Trepe. And while I appreciate your admiration, I am above simple needs.

Selphie: Plus most of the time he's in fanfics they're yaoi ones.

Quistis (frowning): You're kidding me.

Selphie: Nope…I mean look at him. All that long white hair, the feminine features, the beautiful green eyes…he's practically got "bishonen boy" written all over him.

Rinoa (puzzled): What does "yaoi" mean?

(Selphie whispers something in Rinoa's ear; she promptly gasps in shock and points at Sephiroth.)

Rinoa: You mean him…with other, y'know…guys?

Sephiroth: I told you I am above such simple needs Miss Heartilly…

Selphie: They write 'em about Squall and Seifer too you know.

Rinoa: My sweetie Squall?! He'd never do something like that with a man…would he?

Quistis: Having some doubts about him, Rhino?

Rinoa (thinking about it): No…though that would explain why he prefers me to get on my knees and-

Sephiroth: NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR THAT!!!! (points Masamune at her) I've have killed ingenues before, Miss Heartilly. I'm prepared to do it again.

Quistis: So, whether or not you fit the yaoi story qualifications or not, you could care less that I'd sell my soul to get you alone for an hour?

Sephiroth: This…is decidedly out of character for you, Miss Trepe.

Selphie: We've badgered her about her love life for the whole of this fanfic. She's probably just acting out.

Sephiroth: I see we will not be able to battle until I resolve this…Miss Trepe, the only thing female I care about is my mother, Jenova.

(All three girls make expressions of disgust.)

Quistis: You're sicker than I thought.

Rinoa: That's the nastiest thing I've ever heard.

Selphie: Stick to boys, you freak.

Sephiroth: THAT ISN'T WHAT I MEANT!!! (Slashes his throne in half with his sword.) My mother means a great deal to me!

Selphie: Momma's boy, then?

Rinoa: Yeah, probably spoiled rotten…she probably never let him play with other kids.

Selphie: She followed him to school every day and watched him in P.E. class.

Quistis: There's nothing sadder than a super villain that can't cut the apron strings.

Sephiroth: At least you'll be dead soon…prepare to die, Soldier Knights!!!

Quistis: Since you have decided to spurn my brief bout of lust, we shall defeat you…but first, tell us what your evil plan is!

Selphie: Yeah! You got to have some kind of evil scheme to take over the world that we're supposed to stop!

Rinoa: Yeah! You're the bad guy! You have to tell you-that's the rules!

Sephiroth: In fact, I do have a plan to take over your world…

(The girls lean forward, listening intently.)

Sephiroth: But I'm not going to tell you!

(The girls fall flat on their faces.)

Selphie: Say WHAT?!

Rinoa: You have to tell us! All villains are required by narrative law to explain their evil plots! Or else no one knows what it is!

Sephiroth: And you saw how far that got me last time! Letting Cloud and the others follow me, fill in all the pieces of the plot, even hang a great big rock in the sky that takes forever to land and serves as a hell of a warning…I did so great that time! In this world, I will not repeat my mistakes!

Selphie: He's got a point.

Sephiroth: That's right! When Ultimecia created you, I knew I had to destroy you before I could unleash my power on this world…so I decided to do that first and after you are dead, achieve dominance over your pale, sad world!

Rinoa: What do you mean, pale and sad! Our graphics dust yours-we're never all blocky polygons-and our ending dusts yours!

Quistis: Yeah! Tell him Rinoa!

Rinoa: Plus ours has the most beautiful love story…

Quistis: Shut up Rhino…

Sephiroth: The time has come for you to die! (Raises Masamune) 

Selphie: I can't die until I kick Irvine in the nads…ULTRA-KAWAII BOOYAKA BOMB!!!

Irvine: I'm actually of mixed minds about that baby.

(Selphie's attack is easily deflected by Sephiroth.)

Rinoa: Let me try…PRETTY PRINCESS MAGICAL KABOOM!!!

(Sephiroth deflects that attack as well.)

Quistis: Well, let's try this then…

Sephiroth: I could do this all day girls…please continue.

Quistis: All righty then.

(Quistis cracks her whip, catching Sephiroth in the groin; he collapses in a heap.)

Sephiroth (groans): You…little…minx… 

Selphie (pointing to Sephiroth): See that Irvine…it's your future!!!

(Irvine sweats.)

Quistis: Good idea for a change, Selphie.

Rinoa: Looks like Mr. "I'm Beyond Such Things" still has some human weaknesses.

Sephiroth (coughing): You…will pay for this, Quistis…

Quistis: I'll wait for you to stand up.

Sephiroth (getting to one knee): Oh, now you shall face the true Sephiroth…I'm skipping straight to my ultimate form!

Rinoa: Just like Squall…just hurries to the finish.

Quistis: Rinoa…oh, never mind…

(A brilliant light surrounds Sephiroth. When it fades, he has transformed into his Safer-Sephiroth form, complete with his kick butt end boss music.)

Selphie: Now that's some cool music!

(Sephiroth shrugs a wing at them, driving the girls off their feet.)

Quistis: Man, he's tough now…maybe I shouldn't have hit him in the groin

Rinoa: Oh, now you think of that!

(Sephiroth spends the next few minutes hurling most of his big attacks at the girls. Each one takes it's toll on the girls, and makes the Centra Ruins, well, even more ruined.)

Quistis (after ducking a particularly nasty attack.) We can't beat this guy…he's just too strong!

Selphie: Not to mention that the music is so loud that you can hardly hear yourself think

Rinoa (sniffling): I'm gonna die and Squall's never gonna see me in this pleated skirt.

Quistis: You mean he never made you put on a SeeD uniform and play Teacher and Pupil?

(Selphie and Rinoa stare wide eyed at Quistis.)

Selphie: There something you want to tell us before we die?

Quistis: No…of course not! Don't you ever fantasize about anything?

Rinoa: We get to act our fantasies out, silly.

Sephiroth: I hate to interrupt you girls but I'm trying to kill you…(lifts his one arm) Prepare for a humiliating end, Miss Trepe!

Quistis: He really took that personally, didn't he?

Irvine (shouting from the other side of the throne room): MOST GUYS DO!

(Sephiroth aims a blast of energy at Quistis. Thinking quickly, she grabs Rinoa and puts her in the path of the beam.)

Rinoa: Quistis! You little-

(The beam hits Rinoa and, shockingly, turns her into a frog.)

Quistis: Rinoa…you…you're a frog!

Selphie (snickering): The princess becomes a frog-oh, the irony…

Quistis: Maybe Squall can kiss her and make it all better.

Rinoa (in a squeaky voice): Oh, yeah…kiss THIS!!!

(Rinoa leaps out of Quistis' hands and delivers a Frog Jab to her nose. Instantly, Quistis turns into a frog. Sephiroth immediately cracks up.)

Sephiroth: I love it when things get surreal.

Quistis: I'm a FROG! What the hell is this?!

Selphie (bending over the two frogs): Now this is beyond cute…here froggy froggy froggy…

Quistis: Oh, f**k this!

(Quistis gives Selphie a Frog Jab in the shin, turning her into a frog. Sephiroth collapses to the ground in laughter.)

Selphie: Now I'm a frog! This sucks!

Rinoa: Hey, it's Quistis' fault…she pulled me in front of that beam so she could play "Teacher and Pupil" with Squall.

Selphie: You wanna dress Squall up in a pleated skirt?

Rinoa: And turn him into a PERVERT! That's it, Quisty…I've had it up to here with you pining after Squall like some kind of wounded puppy!

Quistis: What exactly are you going to do about it, Rhino?

Rinoa: I TOLD YOU MY NAME IS RINOA!!!

(Rinoa punches Quistis, which, in accordance to the Frog Jab attack, turns Quistis back to normal.)

Quistis: I'm back to normal! (Sees Sephiroth laying on the floor laughing). I've got it!

(Quistis snatches up both Selphie and Rinoa)

Quistis: Guys! HIT HIM!!! 

(Quistis throws the two frogs at Sephiroth. At the last second, he sees them coming.)

Sephiroth: Aw, damnit…

(The two frogs hit him and turn him into a frog. Quistis runs over and picks him up.)

Quistis: You should have let me love you, stud…

(Quistis throws Sephiroth into the air and blasts him into a million pieces. Selphie and Rinoa turn back into normal.)

Selphie: That was…strangely anticlimatic. Yet appropriate for this silly fanfic. (sees Irvine still hanging from the wall.) Hi, Irvine sweetie!

(Irvine turns pale as Selphie walks over.)

Irvine: Baby, c'mon, let me explain, this isn't what you think it is!

Selphie: Sure it isn't (pulls back one booted foot). 

(Rinoa and Quistis wince as a thudding sound comes to them.)

Selphie: That's for going to that flower girl's room! (kicks again) And that's for thinking I wouldn't check your calendar!

Rinoa: Actually, I was the one who told you about it, Selphie!

Selphie (without missing a beat): And that's for me owing Rhino one!

(In a burst of smoke and pyrotechnics, Ultimecia appears.)

Ultimecia: Soldier Knights! You have defeated Sephiroth and saved your world from his, er, ill defined menace!

Quistis: All part of the job, ma 'am. But…can I ask you a question?

Ultimecia: You may, Miss Trepe.

Quistis: Why did you decide to fight him, Ultimecia? It makes no sense.

Ultimecia: Let's call it a turf thing, girls.

Selphie: Come again?

Ultimecia: I'm the bad guy in this world. And no Johnny Come Lately from an earlier game in this series is going to come to my turf and get away with it!

Rinoa: So you just…just used us?

Ultimecia: Of course I did, you foolish girls! What kind of idiot fights an enemy if she can get someone else to do it for her! And I'll have those powers back now!

(Ultimecia waves her hand and all three girls revert to normal. Rinoa bursts into tears.)

Rinoa: I wanted Squall to see me in that!!!

Ultimecia: He saw enough of Miss Trepe dressed that way to last him a lifetime…farewell, "Soldier Knights"….HA HA HA!!!!

(Still laughing, Ultimecia fades away.)

Rinoa: You DID play "Teacher and Pupil" with my Squall, didn't you?!

Quistis: She meant how I wore a uniform as an Instructor…oh, never mind…

(Quistis decks Rinoa.)

(Several weeks later. The girls, not being able to teleport back, finally return to Balamb Garden.)

Quistis: Well, here we are…I hope you're happy about your little fun trip, Selphie

Selphie: I wonder if Irvine ever got down off that wall?

Quistis: If he did I doubt he'll ever walk right again.

Selphie: I got a bit carried away, didn't I?

Quistis: Five times is carried away. Thirty-five borders on attempted homicide.

Rinoa: Who cares! I have to see my perfect Squall! (Runs towards the dormitory section)

Selphie (looking sidelong at Quistis): You thinking what I'm thinking?

Quistis: I know the writer. There's bound to be a punch line waiting for her…let's go see what it is.

(Selphie and Quistis follow Rinoa to the room that she shares with Squall. Rinoa, tears of joy in her eyes, bursts into the room.)

Rinoa: Oh, Squall, baby…I'm HOME!!!!

(Squall is on his bed, the flower girl in his lap. His face is covered with lipstick kisses and his shirt is torn open.)

Rinoa: SQUALL! What…what are you doing!

(Squall leaps to her feet, the flower girl smiling a sultry smile.)

Squall: Rinoa! Baby! It's…it's not what it looks like!

Rinoa: Sure it isn't! (Advances on Squall, cocking her foot back)

(Selphie and Quistis wince.)

Quistis: Well, you know what they say…living well is the best revenge…

The End


End file.
